Breaking news & Broken hearts...

I've made up my mind, I'm leaving. I don't know when, it could be next week, it may be months, but I am certain that before I depart the country on my two year adventure of nomadic nonchalance I will be departing this little landlocked speck-on-the-map town, for the bright lights and ever exciting city of Melbourne. 

I took a step back from myself the other day to observe the patterns I had been displaying and realised that before I am ever actually aware of the fact that I am ready to leave the familiar for the unknown, my subconscious causes me to perform certain rituals, rituals which I have been acting out over the past few months; I have been sorting through clothes, mending holes and replacing buttons on dresses and jumpers, I have been slowly gathering all my belongings from around my home, wiping them free of dust and gently wrapping the breakables in discarded news papers, placing them in labeled boxes. 

When I was a Child, my family would travel south to the coast almost every weekend, leaving Canberra on a friday afternoon and I remember the arguments my mum and dad would have every thursday night; Mum refused to leave the house to go away unless everything was spotless, her argument being that there is nothing worse than coming back from a relaxing break to a messy home... my dad's argument being that he just wanted to get there. As a result of these arguments, I have confusingly inherited both these ideals, which I think, explains my actions. Before I know that I am ready to leave, I sort, clean, label, organise and ensure that everything is in the perfect condition to abandon so that when I return to them my belongings are ready to be used again right away, I return from my "break" to a clean and orderly "home". This subconscious action serves the purpose of ensuring that when I do come to realise that I am ready to run away/move on/start a new adventure I can then swiftly act out the 'leave right now' mentality of my father, with everything in order, but still feeling as though it was all "on a whim".

And on top of my subconscious finally revealing this new information to me I have also been doing a lot of thinking about why exactly I am still here, and although this is a subject that troubles my mind often I am usually quiet fast to feed myself a bunch of bullshit lies which I know aren't fact but prefer to believe instead of what I know is true. The saying "the truth will set you free, but first it will really piss you off" has never resonated with me more than it does now. And as with all stories of chaos and delusion the star of the plot is a man...Mr.X. 

We've been separated more than a year, though it doesn't feel more than a day. We have been going around and around and around on a dizzying carousel, and as with all carousels, we continue to revisit things, feelings and thoughts we have seen before, but in the long run we are getting nowhere. When you've been on a carousel with someone as long as we have, you begin to fear stepping out alone on to firm ground, certain that you will stumble and fall, without that familiar person to catch you, but I've realised that I don't want to spend my life going around and around, and though I know it's going to fucking hurt, I've got to get off... Sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same...  

From a young age my Mother always told me that I had a very surprising, deep and mature understanding of 'self' when in a relationship. I was always able to see the invisible line between 'us' and 'me', by which I mean I was always capable of spending time away from the person I loved without feeling anxious or like half of a whole. I was always content with myself and confident in the fact that if it was meant to be, it would be. I believed that I shouldn't have to fight for someones love, because in my mind that meant it mightn't be true, but rather forced. I believed and still believe that it needs to be an organic process, no games, no obsession, just love. And when it was no longer a love that shone bright and provided happiness and contentment it was time to gracefully depart with good memories of a good person who was once the voice to which you harmonised. As you know from previous posts I had a hard few years, and during these years I lent on Mr.X and depended on him solely to keep me afloat. In doing this I gradually lost sight of that invisible line and then something happened. I found that I had become a half.

Moving to Melbourne isn't just about finding a new place to discover, It's about rediscovering myself. Being whole on my own.

Deciding that Melbourne would be my new home wasn't necessarily an easy one, thoughts of Byron Bay constantly came to mind as well. However, I am almost certain  that Byron is the place I will call "home" when I land back on Australian soil, so Melbourne won on the basis of caution; If I moved to Byron now, I might just slip in to the life I plan to have on my return, and in turn I would never actually make it overseas for the two years I am planning to. Melbourne is a cities embodiment of the bad boy I yearn to have a fast and passionate affair with, where as Byron is more husband material... so to speak. 

The past few months in Canberra I have been desperately unhappy with the mundane routine that my life has become. Work, study, babysit, jog... and repeat. 

Because I am trying to race through my studies in less than half the time the qualification is usually obtained, I have little time for much else. The staff at the local 24 hour service station are now accustomed to seeing me at 2am (sometimes even 2pm) in my pyjamas raiding the red bull shelf in the drinks fridge.

And my social life? I don't even know what that is... I even had to miss out on my beautiful friends Hens night which was in Sydney over the Mardi Gras weekend. I could really have used a night of debauchery, not to mention to show my gratitude to how much it means that she has been one of the bucket-full of people who have managed to put up with the absence of my participation in social events and still manages to be an encouraging and steadfast friend.

But... for now, I will continue to eat well, practice yoga, do my homework, try to master spanish and keep my mind focused on exactly why I am living a monotonous existence for the time being, right up until the moment I buy a ticket and head south. 

And once there, I will continue to aim for a life less ordinary.

Until next time,

Ash, xo