January the 1st of forever, 2012.

I know it's late, but...

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I don't know about you, but I LOVE this time of year! Families spending time together, judging how well people know you by the gifts they get you. beer. beach. bocce. And although I didn't go out and get drunk and dance on a bar this new years, I did get to spend some quality time over the christmas period with my brother. I headed to the coast for a short four day 'holiday', where my brother and I were able to sit in our caravan and play dominos (proper english pub dominos, not line-them-up-and-push-them-down dominos) while the rain belted down on the roof. The caravan I am talking about is more like a mini home, and has been in my family almost 30 years. It is literally the only thing in my life that feels the same to me as when I was a small child and I always crave marshmallows when I'm there. I drank a little wine, received amazing and perfectly matched-to-me gifts and woke up on new years day absolutely hangover free. Big change from the 10 or so january-1st's of my past.

What I really love about the end of a year, is the start of a new one. When a new year is around the corner I feel like the world is saying "here it comes, the clean slate you've been waiting for", It feels like permission from some unknown source to start dreaming big again, like reassurance that you've got another shot.  Last year I managed to complete 6 of my 8 resolutions. This year I have 19 resolutions, that's got to be some kind of record, right? I wonder how much I will accomplish by December?!

One of the obvious resolutions I have is to get fit again. I have a whole wardrobe full of clothes I can't wear and, because I refuse to buy clothes in my current size (because I refuse to stay my current size) I have nothing to wear now! The first step to this resolution has already began, I am currently doing a 'juice detox' which will last between 10 and 60 days, depending how my body reacts to consuming nothing but fresh, home made juices. So far so good, the ingredients in this mornings juice was; watermelon, blueberries, green apples, cucumber, celery, carrot and silver beet. My stomach has been going wild but I feel pretty good. I'll be sharing the progress of this little experiment as the days/weeks and possible months progress. For more info, check here http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

I can no longer eat the way I used to. But the good news is, I don't want to! (to be honest, unless I was on one of my vegan benders that have visited my life sporadically for the past twelve years, my diet has been pretty gross)

It may sound a bit extreme, drinking nothing but juice, but I am looking at it as a way to reset my body. From my taste buds, to my internals to my mind... I am sick of being sick! I want my old body back! I want to run again! I want my six pack back and I want to wear my clothes! ...I love my clothes. I have photos of myself all over the place as motivation, I have a juicer permanently set up in the dining room and I have an arrangement to go for an hour walk twice a week with my boss to get out of the office, but best of all, I have the mindset that 

"it's a new year, I have to do it"... 

my arms were toned...

...so was my waist...

And this is just before heading to the coast for a surf, you can see my board on the roof... I used to be physically fit...

...I could wear what I wanted...

...the only thing that hasn't changed is that I still love beer...

...Fuck, this is depressing! 

Another one of my resolutions is to spend more time with friends. I have been a really, really bad friend over the past few years, the reasons for which I will explain below, but even though I have been a shit friend my friends have continued to be good ones. Great ones in fact. I love my friends, near and far.

What led me to be a shit friend was a few shit years. I found out my dad has Huntington's Disease http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Huntingtons_disease_explained which I later found out, through my own research (nobody wanted to be the barer of bad news) that it's a genetic disease, my brother and I have a 50% chance each of getting this disease, so I was dealing with that too. I knew I had to stay in canberra, and to say I loath this town is an understatement, so that put me in a mood. Then there were my three grandparents to worry about, each assigned their own health related issue, heart attacks, cancer and chronic pneumonia. My Mum got depression. Then my parents separated... and a year later so did Mr.X and I. And that's just the tip of the melancholy-ice-berg. My whole life I had been a happy person, nothing bothered me. I remember finding out about my Nanny's cancer and almost crying in front of my best friend, she just stood there, staring at me, more confused at the fact that I could actually be sad than anything else. So when all this bad news hit me I just took it all in and let it ferment in my head. I didn't know how to be unhappy, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I tried going on with my life as usual, friends would come to me with their problems and people in my family would talk to me about what was going on with dad/grandparents/brother/mum and the rest, and i'd listen, i'd absorb it all and i'd walk away with worry bleeding from my pores. I was taking in so much negativity and heartache and not letting any out, no body knew that I needed a break from it all because I didn't tell them. I didn't tell them because I didn't know how to. I'd never felt like this before and I wasn't sure  what was going on, or how to cope, or even explain it. Eventually the stress of it all manifested it's self for a few years as a severe red rash that lay accross my skin from my ankles to my neck, a lot of unpleasant anxiety attacks, an undiagnosable but insanely painful and constant stabbing sensation in my abdomen and very unwelcome depression.  All I wanted to do was be left alone, It's almost as if I had become afraid to see people incase they had something bad to tell me. I didn't want to have to hear anymore bad news. Eventually, I didn't want to listen to music, I didn't want to work, I didn't want to shower. I was constantly angry at people I cared for, not because they had done something wrong, just out of frustration and angst. I took everything to heart and often still do. I was partying for the wrong reasons and then I basically blocked myself off and neglected and sometimes ruined relationships with good people. 

Over the past year I have started to slowly deal with  all the things I couldn't deal with before. I refuse to take any medication, which is just a personal choice. I am getting to recognise myself again, not yet physically, but I've done so much damage to my body that that will take a while. Rebuilding the foundations of friendships is where I want to begin, though for the sake of the whole "holistic" approach we'll have to find something more to do than spend money on alcoholic beverages. 

I only started to feel "normal" again after my last trip, that three months away gave me the opportunity to organise and file away my thoughts, deal with what is important to me, step back from the chaos and give myself permission to forget about it all for a while. Which all equals another reason why I love to travel.

And, aside from practically curing myself from the curse of the blues, something else amazing has happened. Mother Nature has finally decided to let us have summer! I found my old surf board while I was down at the van and am really excited about trying to get back into it all, although the board is a really bad match for me at the moment, once I'm a bit lighter it should be fine! 

I love hot and I love cold, but I hate the weather in between.

Finally, summer...

So, yes, I am one of those people who put a lot of thought in to "next year". I make plans, plan my dreams and try to be better. 

Last year my motto unintentionally seemed to be;

However, having recently kicked Cigarettes to the curb, and now being on a detox which renders diet coke (fucking love it! ... but only in a can?) and coffee non existent I've decided on a new motto for 2012;

Thanks again for reading, be back again soon with an update of this detox. for now, enjoy my new favorite song!

What do you want to do with two-oh-one-two?

much love to you all,

Ash. x